Baby Got Back

Summer is nearing, so of course my procrastinating lazy ass is regretting not being devoted to anything healthy. My body isn’t ready to wear less clothing, in public.

Body change is a real bitch for women, mothers especially. I don’t know about you, but Ive been wearing piss flaps since the first child, and I’m working up to depends. I hear they make the Deseret kind now!

No secrets in these undies. Like anything is, when you become a mother. Babies come with a lot of vag care. More people have seen my cooter then my own husband.

Ever went to pee when it’s your month time, and your child is asking a million questions? And if your asking, “Why is your kid in the bathroom?”…then obviously you’re not a mom, your child isn’t a child anymore, or they can’t walk yet, So either, beat it, savor it, or wait for it. Well at least my kids will think I’m a big girl now, when I upgrade to adult pull ups.

Not a lot of options for busy broke moms to look like we aren’t still 5 months pregnant, three years after our child was born. Add an additional month for every child after. So that’d make me over due, with no induction in site.

If you don’t own a fat bulge or have a stretch mark in site, or at least something noticeably saggy, damage of some sort, I’m going to have to disregard our friendship, cause I’m convinced you either stole a baby or you’re an alien.

So I thought about yoga, but then my husband will be expecting me, to show him some “moves”. So that’s out.

So I see these ladies starting to sell things that “spark” your energy, pills, sprays, powders and packages that help with all this extra baggage. I’ll admit, I get really sucked in, enough once to actually ask how much some of these incredibles cost. I got a quick reply, its ONLY $250 for one of these particular packages, like well I ONLY have 4 kids, I like how they say it, like it’s nothing, I mean if it’s going to feed all 6 of us for the month, and can I get a coupon, then I may consider it.

Oh and you get a “free” bottle for your water, like can I can something I don’t already have? That’s like selling popsicles and you get a free stick.

Momma ain’t raise no fool

But seriously is it kid friendly? Like it has to have preservatives in it, a condiment for dipping, or eat’n as the main meal, and come with a toy. OR, I have to actually be able to convince them to eat it.

For example, once I made salmon cakes and told them they were crabby patties and they were stoked!! Unfortunately I can’t play these tricks on myself. Tofu Tuesday didn’t go over well! You’re going to have to get creative!

Like I get it, mommas wanna get rid of some extra dough and make a little. However, other mothers are not a good audience, cause we are broke and then that much more down, about our extra pounds. We respect your hustle but we won’t like your skinny ass anymore. There, I said it.

I did do a cleanse, ONCE, with my sister and her mother n law. We got this organic tasteless shit, called quinoa and kale. Cucumber salad wasn’t too bad, but after several hours of starvation, losing all of our energy, sanity, and gaining a migraine from hell, we tapped out and met up for cheese burgers and soda. Had me singing you are my sunshine to anything with sugar in it.

I was having visions about things I thought I’d never do, but I would’ve, for a Klondike bar.

So I’m not willing to teach my husband yoga moves, spend most of my day trying to come up with corky ways to get my kids to eat it too. I ain’t time to make separate meals nor do I have, only $250 for sample packs of food substitutes that will leave me pissy, shitty, constipated, and headache ridden. I’m not willing to give up my “me” time or sleep to work it off either.

So I guess I should start shopping for a swim-less, full coverage body suit that I can fit my donut gut and my bacon butt into.

Does anyone have a coupon, or DIY potion, masking lotion?… anything….

I may be willing to meet in a dark ally to make a deal.

Seriously,

Baby got back

This One’s for the Girls

International Women’s Day, a day where we deserve a little extra R.E.S.P.E.C.T, love and appreciation!

Life doesn’t exist without women. We raise, rise up, and ride it out! You don’t have to birth to raise either! I was raised by many strong women! It takes a strong village to create one! No man can love and endure like a women. Sorry, I’m not sorry, fellas.
So I want to thank my mother today, because of her I am somebody, and Sumbodysmommy!

Thank your body today for being badass! It brought or cares for beautiful people in this world. It works hard everyday to keep those people beautiful, happy, healthy, and alive. Thank the women in your family and friend circle for all the chipping in, they helped make you a great women!

I’m thanking this little tribe of mine. They give me strength and make me weak. They give me joy and a headache. They ignite laughter and anxiety, but most of all they make me shine!

Love yourself today and everyday for all that you are and will be. Thank yourself for all you do for everything and everyone.

Always, first and foremost, respect, love
and appreciate yourself, the way you were made, and I hope everyday you know you’re beautiful the way you are

This one’s for the Girls!

Say What You Need to Say

I had a thought, that I should start preparing my kids for adult life, by that I mean not depending on me for EVERYTHING.

I recently asked for help folding the laundry, they said, we don’t know how, seriously…you fold. I do not ever remember anyone, a parent or any other, explaining to me step by step how to fold a washcloth or match a sock. They say things like I need to watch a DIY and I said No, you need to BE a DIY.

My oldest daughter asked me how to make a Pb&j, its SELF explainable!!! Well its a P, -double B and J. You need Bread, *Hints the sandwich part.

She can make slime, but not food.

Honestly its getting a wee bit scary, the things they don’t know. Like I thought all my kids knew where we lived. So I asked, “Whats our address, where we live?” One said some random four numbers, the other said, “AVE” another goes “On the corner”, and one said, “Right here, Silly”. So maybe, if all four of them got lost together, they would have like a 2% chance of making it, HERE.

So I’m drilling them, like boot camp style before they come in the door now. ” Say my name”, “Mom”- WRONG, that’s my alias, my real name, Back of the line Boy! “What’s my phone number” -Correct, You May enter! What’s this address? “The corner.. Ave!” UGHH- I hope to god you don’t get lost and tell someone your Mom lives on the corner Ave and he or she has to say my REAL name before entering. This is so BAD right now!!!

So I taught them some things, that I didn’t realize, I should have already, cause I thought they knew. I have shown them how to fold laundry, and they put it away now. I just don’t know where they put them though. My youngest daughter had her brother’s cargo pants on yesterday, and I found my bra hanging on the coat rack, and my son said, “Oh, I thought they were mittens?

Yeah, for my kittens Geesss

I’m not talking about two year old’s here, I’m talking about, very capable older kids. My daughter poured herself a drink and put the drink back,– in the cabinet. Like I thought the brain and body detachment only happened in middle age, when you are sleep deprived and have too many responsibilities. Like when your driving somewhere thinking about crap the whole way, get there and realize you weren’t even paying attention the entire drive. Your robot body just got you there, I guess, muscle memory?… My brain wakes up at 7 AM and my body doesn’t. Its an adult thing, I thought.

My daughter put popcorn in the microwave and then pushed in my phone number for the timer. – My confused wrinkle is growing deeper. ( Yes, I name my wrinkles) The scarier part is she told me she was waiting on it to ring…. -yeeeaahh There must be something in the WiFi or maybe the microwaves interfered with the brain waves…

Anyways, I wanted to say, when you are an adult one day, what will you eat or wear? But then I thought, Once upon a time, I made homemade meals, and they would only eat Easy Mac, and chicken nuggets. I bought nice clothes but they were too scratchy. I did fun activities and it was always anything but fun. So no matter what I teach them or tell them, or do, its going to be like Algebra, they either get it or they don’t, or they just don’t give a shit, either way, they will probably never use it anyways. So save your breath and energy and only

Say What You Need To Say

Imagine That

Kids are zoned out and can’t figure out simple tasks, like pot heads without the munchies. – Well, they do requests a lot of snacks. Have you ever turned off the WiFi and watched your kids lose their minds? Literally, they have no idea how to function. I mean you have to be strong- willed to do such a thing, cause its more of a punishment, to yourself.

I lasted like an hour until I tapped out, I’ll tell you why.

These kids watch other kids play. That was my first clue that something was wrong. I mean not like sports, like football or basketball, but like watching them play video games or with dolls. I mean, is it not creepy? Why cant you just play the game or with the doll, YOURSELF…? Just a thought…. might be more fun…

My kids asked what was for dinner and I said I dont know, why dont you just watch someone else eating and see if you get full….

Or here’s an idea, you can watch a cooking tutorial so you can make ME dinner! I guess that’s not “fun”.

So back to the WiFi, my kids are being extra so I tell them, give the electronic’s a break, and your little i’s, – punny and go outside or play something else. They followed me around the house asking ME what they can do? Great, I’m an event coordinator now. I said how about you play with each other? That’s why I decide on four of you, you each have a buddy for life and you ALL have each other, so goodbye, I have things to wash. They go outside and sit, sit on the porch and complain they don’t have anything to do and its too hot or cold or itchy out…If they breath fresh air I’m convinced its causes extreme thirst and child deprivation.

I still haven’t washed anything cause they need too much direction. I left them for six minutes to play in the back yard, I go out to check on them and my youngest daughter, is holding a dog turd,- she said she found a really cool rock, my youngest sons pants are off, -cause he said he had to pee, my oldest daughter is using sidewalk chalk to send a message to the gods -to show her direction, and my oldest son is doing “Parkour” by jumping off our storage shed roof. So after six juice boxes, 12 arguments, a turd, a nudist, a SOS signal, a suicide attempt AND one hour of aggravation later..

I say, a REALLY mind blowing and old school thing, USE YOUR IMAGINATION… they are now asking if they can barrow mine.

Imagine That

WiFi is back on!

Man in the Mirror

My Son brought home his school pictures, which obviously, I forgot about. I’ve kept them in the drawer the past few years, until I recently came across them. From now on, it will sit, framed on my desk. Why would I do that…

It took some time, but look at that smile on his face, in spite of looking like something out of The Goonies, he doesn’t give a sh*t and I couldn’t be prouder!

Does he not look pretty damn confident!?

I’m a hot mess and I feel pretty good in my stretch pants and my messy mom bun, I look like a damn swamp creature, but I feel good Mama!! I just had a photo shoot with a good friend and beside a “professional” picture. I took all REAL images of myself – see sumbodysmommy.com for those. Its full of leftover baby house, messy bun hair, mom panties, morning coffee and slept in makeup.

These are the best pictures I’ve ever taken, because they are ME! All this snapchat hearts with big beautiful eyes and hidden blemishes, enhanced features to make you look like a damn majestic squirrel, are NOT you, OK. Its for sh*ts and giggles, I do it too, But Real is where its at!

I was feeling like crap for forgetting to “fix him up” for “Phony Day”, – what I will now call it. Like at first glance I thought, WOW, really Amanda, way to freak’n go, Mom of the year! I mean we did, and still get a good laugh out of it! Until I looked up at all these phony smiles I have in frames on my desk.

“And no message could be any clearer”

This picture wasn’t shame, this picture is REAL! It will now forever remind me that he is a reflection of me. I’m a mess, and I’m OK with it, and so is he!! That fifty dollar package is priceless! It taught me a lesson, so from now on…I’m starting with the man in the mirror and I’m asking him

NOT to change his ways!  – Cause who doesn’t love The Goonies, anyways

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind

Three things I’d like to request from Schools.

First, schools, for the love of Jesus, settle down on papers/forms. I have 4 kids, with 5 papers minimum a day, times that by, let’s just go with 180 days a year, equals 3,600 papers I have to figure out what the hell to do with!

I don’t get paid for this type of work!!

Please stop sending important things with my child to get home. I’m glad to see my kid, bring home his own jacket twice a month, once he brought someone else’s. If it’s important, never give it to my child, EVER!

We have a thing called email, it’s paperless and pretty reliable.

-Or they should make an App for that

Even if by a slim chance it does make it here, I don’t have time to add secretary to my already many hats. It’s not just, sign if they can go here… it’s sign, have a witness, full medical history, all contacts, birth certificate, home phone...no one has those anymore, btw, mortgage lender and a deposit. Its Chucky Cheese for god sake!!

I can understand taking precautions but this is a bit Ludacris! – Settle down I know its DMX

Chucky Cheese even has debit cards now, like why is there a “home phone” section, still an option on here? -Talk about old school

I don’t understand, Kindergarten Registration, like why? My sons been going here for two years already and now you want a way of passage and a DNA blood sample. I didn’t realize I was signing him up for the army. Which isn’t sounding that bad, he could use a hair cut!

Can we just save some trees and my sanity and keep the papers to a minimum.

Secondly, who in the hell thought it was a good idea to send kids home with a giant whistle?…- AKA recorder. The last time I was this pissed was at back to school night. I had just finished helping our son put away his school supplies, when I spotted Sumbodysdaddy out in the hall, at the PTA table, filling out a form. “What in the hell are you doing?” He said, “They needed volunteers and I made a donation.” Hes so lucky I didn’t punch him in the eye, right then. So you signed me up?…You know you can make a damn donation without sacrificing me?

You know who needs donations and volunteers?… ME!

Well this is his breakfast from now on, just to remind him, I make the decisions about me, thank you, next!

I have a single level home and apparently this whistle is magical, cause all my kids want a turn spitting in it, I’m just praying a genie actually pops out of it, so I can get my wish to immediately self destruct! I don’t even want 3 wishes! Now I have a migraine, while explaining fractions and I still need to find that form, my daughter needed, last week. I need to keep what little sanity I still have, so we all had to compromise, cause I’m out of wine and patience. So my son is currently practicing, in the driveway, in our mini van, and sumbodysdaddy, after he finishes his penis pancakes, “volunteered” to do the dishes. – For the rest of his life

Third, stop calling me, I get paranoid when I get an actual phone call, so please spare me the extra anxiety, and just text, like the rest of the world.

Seriously,

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind

Feelings Are Real Jerks -2

Just because you know everything is fine, doesn’t mean, that you feel like it is.

I had an X-ray recently –for shoulder pain, and my doctor said, Have you ever had an MRI? “No I haven’t”, “Are you claustrophobic”, “Do you have anxiety?”

I mean everyone has a little bit, I’m sure it. But no, not typically.
I mean if you see your child running with something in there mouth, getting too close to a busy road, or putting a plastic bag over there head, then yes, I have anxiety. Claustrophobic.. they have been hanging on me 24-7 for the last 13 years, so yeah, but at this point, I deal with it. We all have experienced it! Did he not read my chart, I have 4, 4 kids. So yes, I have experienced a little bit, of just about everything.

-I try not to leave the house if possible.

So I get pushed inside this MRI tube, I’m fine, 10 minutes in, here comes this over whelming feeling of panic and I’m breathing harder. So I’m asking myself,  What the hell is this? What are you doing? I’m fine! “Feeling” is like nope, RUN, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! I’m like, what?.. I can’t, the test isn’t over. Feeling, see your stuck, open your eyes!!! So I open my eyes, Ahhh Helllll it’s dark and the tube is 3 inches away from nose. I’m breathing faster now, and feeling is like, See, I told you! Now I’m pushing the communication button, “Can I help you“, “Uh, yeah, you can let me the hell out of here, Thanks!”

Now I have PTSD and no MRI evaluation. What the hell was that? Like, I didn’t have anxiety and I wasn’t claustrophobic. Better yet, WHO the hell was that? A multiple personality, just like that?
Now my doctor probably thinks I’m a liar, and a wuss! I left that exam room, full on, ugly crying, all because I couldn’t control my own damn feelings. I guess, I had thought feelings just came, and you decide how to manifest it out. NOT so, it makes no sense, like how some people happy cry, they aren’t sad, it can be very confusing! I went in that MRI feeling like no big deal and 20 minutes later, like I had been kid napped, buried alive, and left my children without even telling them I love you, one last time.

WHY?..

What the hell, right! I did NOT decide how to handle that, my feelings did. So I get it now, when people have told me they have anxiety or depression, I was like why? I didn’t get it. Obviously, I have both and then some. I’m sorry, And that’s not my feelings talking!

-I think

Now I know, it’s NOT you, so when feelings start trying to take you over, just give it the middle finger, in the mirror, and know that “it’s” not always you, and that 

Feelings can be REAL jerks!!!!

–Tell me a time when your feelings, took you over – LEAVE A COMMENT!

Feelings Are Real Jerks!

Do you stay up late at night trying to think of all the ways you could have made that day better? You can’t sleep because your feeling like you didn’t do enough, you are forgetting something, thinking of all the things you still need to do? When you have a bad day you think its now scared in your child’s memory and that makes you feel like sh*t.

Why is your house such a mess, you have loads of laundry you need to do, rewash. I need to stop ordering take out and eat better. Why do I keep forgetting school forms and library books. Why can’t we EVER be on time. Why can’t our socks ever match. It’s been three months since my boys last hair cut. I need to sign that, call here, pay this, start organizing…

–Just to name five seconds, worth of feelings. 

Why do you wonder if your not enough, because you AREN’T, you are ONE person, ONE, doing and feeling for MANY others. Motherhood gives you extra, intense, and faulty feelings. Feelings make you smile, cry, laugh, stress, get angry, annoyed, tried, stay wide awake, guilty, accomplished, ashamed, ugly lonely, overwhelmed, lovey, silly, pretty and confused all in ONE damn day! They like to call it “postpartum”, It should be called, BAMM! Bad-ass, Multitasking, Motherhood’um.

Id just like to say, I’m not f*cking “sad”, I am ONE, tired, over whelmed, protective, trying to figure it all out, person, with physical and mental changes, inside and out. I am a lot of things, but I’m not SAD. Why does it have a name, that’s even sad and depressing? BAMM is much more fitting and uplifting, -I think

“It” – (feelings) can control you, but listen

Today and everyday I hope you “feel” badassy, because YOU are!! 

-remember, you add a Y, when gets on you 

Keep it real with yourself, cause

feelings can be Real Jerks!!!

–I want to know, how those Jerks are treating you, click on, LEAVE A COMMENT!

Somebody to lean on

Eight months after my third child was born, I walk in my OB office and they said “back already” –give them the bird, like I did, just know there won’t be a baby shower.

When I told hubby he literally went into an Anxiety attack, that lasted a full year. I still don’t know how this happened. I had a dream before she was born, so I am convinced she was either sent form heaven, or to destroy me. But, she is really cute.

So we have 4 Dwarfs now. –my tribe of little people with their own characteristics. Clumsy, Worry, Goofy and Mouthy. We Rent a house, thank god we made a good decision there, because we out grew it like 2 of them ago.

Like when you decide, or god really believes in you, whichever, to be out numbered, you better have somebody to lean on. I went from managing it all, to trying to keep me alive. 

Sumbodysdaddy always has something to say, like

The kids ate ice-cream for breakfast?  Well, its food. But they are eating it off the floor. Well give them a spoon, germs are good for their immune system. Didn’t he wear that shirt yesterday. Well is it even dirty? Are you going to bed, all the kids aren’t asleep yet? Well if I don’t, I’d never sleep. What is this 21 questions? Now I know who Worry takes after.

You must compensate somewhere, I lowered my standards and I’m OK with it, because they are too. Its all about them anyways.

I call to make a sick appointment for my kid and it never fails that I have to go through Birthdays like my ABC’s. “Mam, are you sure that is the right Birthday?” “Try this one.” Now I am confused if that is the child that was even sick, I’m saving what little pride I still have, “I tell you what, just pick one, and Ill bring them in.

Besides a child, motherhood gives you things you didn’t have before, like Anxiety, Tourettes and ADD. –to name a couple.

I can’t even leave the house without being unnerved or embarrassed to near death. You have to be on your A-game when taking kids out, its multitasking, while being a Ninja Warrior.

For example my youngest daughter, Mouthy, it never fails, she must pee at every place she has ever been. Our dog doesn’t even mark her territory like this. Anyways, we are at a store, in the bathroom stale, and an older lady “lets one loose”, she LOUDLY says, “Who just farted!” She really wanted an answer. I’m in a scene of Mission Impossible, peeking out the crack of the stale, plotting how to get out of there without humiliating either of us, any further. So I just piggy backed Mouthy quickly out before Pooty’s stale door opened. And Yes, without, washing our hands.
We are building immunity and keeping what dignity I still have.

My oldest daughter, Clumsy, is constantly running into things, because she can’t stop staring at her phone, if she misses a tweet, her social life is over.

Four seconds after that my oldest son Worry, says “We really need to get back home, because I left my Xbox on and it may overheat and catch on fire. Now I’m starting to wonder if I left the coffee pot on and If I locked the door and if…

Son of a …..

Abort Mission!!

They keep crap kids loves at the Entrance and exits, cause they know, that we will do whatever, to keep them from losing there sh*t for a bit longer.

Know whats Cruel?… claw machines, or child gambling.

I’m searching for quarters, when I just want to get the hell outta here. Now they all are complaining they didn’t “win” anything, all the way home.

I need strength to carry on, and I really need

Somebody to lean on.

Living On a Prayer

My son would question a question. He asks things like, “Why are your legs longer then your arms? Easy right? “That is the way god made us.” Until he says, “Well then who created God if he created us?” Damn it, really?

See how this is going, not well, not well at all. He wants to know if bees fart, go ahead, ask Google, Alexia, or whatever, I’ll wait. He asks things I have never even thought of, see his brain is always going like 95 mph, and mine is more like 15 in a 45, so this is a real challenge for me.

Sometimes you have to throw a question of your own in there, like when he asked “How do babies get out of your belly?” ” Well how does breakfast get out of yours?” I distracted the question with a question and I prayed in between because I didn’t have enough time to think that one through. I panicked okay. I tend to rely on prayer mostly.

Now that I think about it, we did call him a silly turd a few times, so this is eventually, going to come back and bite me, in the ass.

“Why is Dirt Dirty?” “Because you add a Y when it gets on you, like stinky chilly, and sleepy.” ” Then why do you say grandma (In-law) makes your eye twitchy?” “Because she gets on my nerves, kind-of like itchy, you cant always see it to know its bothering you.”

I’ll just keep praying, that something that makes sense, like the truth, will actually come out of my mouth one day.

See I’ve always told him to tell the truth and sometimes he asks me a question he knows, just to see, if I know. I’m just waiting until he calls me out, and my pants aren’t going to catch on fire, and I’ll have to explain that one, too.

Living on a prayer.